Azalea,

I know you’re up there laughing at my own stupidity.

Our entire 21 years of life together has always been a we. We will, we won’t, we are. Everything is we.

I have a built-in best friend that I can talk to about anything, and someone who always has my back.  

However with this blessing comes a loss of my own individual identity. Who am I without you? My entire life, we has described who I am— every decision and action is made with you Aza. Coming to college has helped me figure out who I am as an I, rather than a we but it was only for a split second. Then you left me. You left me alone.

Now I need you more than ever.

I need to talk to you, I need to hug you, I need to cry to you.

I’m sorry for the last year I have erased my memory of you just because I can not handle the pain of realizing what would my life be without you.. Spending everyday from one another seems almost impossible. 

You have helped me with everything. When we were younger, I would get down on all fours while you stood on my back to reach out mom’s bag. Now that we are older, I get down on all fours to look at every shoe in our closet to choose which pair will go best with my outfit. We are partners in crime, and going on a solo mission seems like a daunting task.

You’ve always been the smartest one, the responsible one, the toughest.

We were at the point in our lives where we went our separate ways, though we always make our way back in Chrismast time, it was always hard.

Now that you’re gone, Rotterdam and Sydney never felt so easy.

As a we, I laugh; no one can make me laugh like you. As a we, I am not afraid to cry; you understand that it is normal for me to cry when Jenny dies at the end of Forrest Gump, even when we’re not actually watching Forrest Gump. And as a twin, I feel a little bit more comfortable wherever I am because I know I’ll have my best friend there for support.

Deep down, in the most deep parts of my mind and heart, I know that no matter where I am, I will always be a we. I prepare for our longer spans of time apart by remembering that you will always be with me, no matter where we are.    

Although we don’t have “twin telepathy” or other special twin powers—hahaha bless people— we will always share a special connection that no one else can understand. Even as I picture myself being without you as an ostensible I, in my mind I know that I will always be a we. You are my best friend and my better half, and no matter where we are, you will always be a part of me.

I am excited to find out who I am as one half of this we. Right now going out on my own is a new adventure that I am nervous and eager to undertake. I am ready to take the world by storm as I embark on my own journey to discover what I can contribute to our we.

I know I don’t normally get this sentimental, but my period is coming up and I didn’t sleep well last night. It’s 5.11 PM. The sun is about to set, I haven’t slept in 2 days. So that’s why I’m here, Aza, writing an open letter trying to talk to you.

I’m sorry for all the stupid things I do that worry you. You should be sorry too. But it’s not like we can do it all over again.

I promise to stop sleeping in cabs.

At least you’re safe now. 2020 has been crazy. All the viruses, covid-19, the new ebola, locusts, earthquakes, human greeds, riots from the deeply rooted systemic problems that you have always been so passionate to talk about, it’s out there.

Don’t worry Za, I’ll keep you informed.

I love you.

Until we meet again.